On self-doubt and hope
Before we get into today's post, here's a little blog update: I added a blogroll (yay). You can discover blogs that I love and stalk on a regular basis there. Alright, let's begin.
If you've been reading my little "P.S."'s at the end of my previous three posts, you'd know that I went through an early-20s-crisis the past few weeks, and I decided to break my train of thoughts out into four blog posts. This is the finale where I tell you about what's been going on (the thing that I briefly wrote about on this instagram post).
In a nutshell, I've been questioning and evaluating everything in my life - from my career choice to my hobbies. I started writing about my hobbies first (blogging and making videos) because my troubles with them are trivial compared to my thoughts on my studies/career, so it was easier to write about them. In case you missed it, here are the blog posts regarding my hobbies: I thought blogging wasn't for me / Reasons why I want to write about my life experiences / Explaining my hiatus on YouTube.
I left this part - doubting myself and my career choice - till last because it's very personal to me and I broke down multiple times because of it, and I'm still figuring everything out right now.
You may know by now that I want to get into medicine. Ever since I came to England 5 years ago, that has always been my goal. (It's the reason my parents shipped me here.) But.. I've always been doubting myself. I'm not good enough. I'm too dumb/awkward to get into medical school. I suck at talking (guys I really do, proof in my previous post), how am I ever gonna pass the interview? Even if I get into medical school, will I even be a good doctor? Maybe medicine is not for me? etc.
I have the most supportive parents ever, and they've been supporting me in all kinds of ways since day one. But my self-deprecating thoughts (and other mental struggles) were louder than their encouraging words, and this lead me to not do so well in my A-level exams. That's why I couldn't apply straight into medicine after sixth form. However, my grades were good enough to get into biomedical science so I'm doing this degree as a stepping stone into medical school.
You may also know that I went for an interview at a medical school last week. I'm going to be honest and say I felt so crushed when I heard the way other applicants talk. They're so confident and sound so knowledgeable, and I just felt like a potato. My dad, aunts, uncles and many of my relatives are doctors, and they sound so confident when they speak. But I'm the total opposite. I've never been good at talking in a coherent - let alone intellectual - manner. I've just been in this vicious mental cycle of trying my best and doubting myself. Do I really want to be a doctor? Can I really get into medical school?
Welp, the interview is done and over with. I did my best but I don't know if my best will be enough y'know? That medical school only gives 5 offers out of the 20 international applicants that they interview so I'm really not getting my hopes up. Until..
.. a few days ago, I received another interview invitation from the last medical school that was still considering my application. The interview is going to take place in March, and it's going to be in the same format as the previous one which is multiple mini interview (MMI). This means that I already had a 'practice' round, and maybe I'll feel more prepared for this interview and hopefully perform better and perhaps, have a better chance of getting in? At least that's what I'm hoping for.
If I don't get into medical school this year, I could technically take a gap year and apply again next year but there's this whole visa and finance thing and where am I gonna stay (Thailand or England?) and blahh. I don't want to think about it, haha. Basically, it would make things a lot easier if I get in this year.
(Sigh.) There's more to this than just me doubting myself - like I have a ton of family pressure to get into medical school - but maybe I'll save that for another post. And there's also the thing that made me visit the wellbeing centre at my university, which is sort of related to this but I'm comfortable with just writing this much for now. The past few months has been a crazy ride for me, that's all I'm gonna say.
I'm so relieved that my emotional roller coaster ride is over, and I feel much better now. My second semester starts this Monday, and I'm going to do my best in my studies. I've also got some interesting posts planned for my blog and I'm excited to share them with you soon. Also, I can't express how grateful I am for all your kind, lovely messages on my blog comments and Instagram. Honestly, you guys are the best. Thank you for all your love and support, seriously.
How do you deal with self-doubt?
What's your career choice/path?